I remember years ago my then boyfriend told me about a guy who smoked a lot of pot and drank alcohol. And then would drive his kids in the car. Boyfriend proceeded to regale me with several more colorful stories about what a mess this guy was and how he habitually put his children’s lives in danger and didn’t live up to his obligations.

What do you suppose the moral of the story was, according to the boyfriend? Well, I’m not sure there was one, but his final remarks about the guy were, “But he’s a really nice guy, I really like him.”

[Screech needle across record player now.]

I said, “Wait a second. You basically just described a guy who doesn’t have an iota of character or integrity, but because he’s a ‘nice guy,’ that’s sufficient?”

My boyfriend was well liked and very popular among our friends. But the minute we weren’t with them, he’d talk behind their back like a catty school marm. I’d say between the two of us, they liked him way better–and he relished in that fact. I said, “You have a more social, likable personality, but I’m the one who actually likes our friends more.”

Celebrating Cool over Character

And hence, the irony. As we celebrate the cool, the wealthy, the famous, we have somehow lost the virtues in being a person of deeper conviction. Holder ourselves to a higher standard. Not a personality ethic, but possessing and developing a healthy character.

Personality is, on some level, innate. Nerd versus free spirit. Introvert versus extrovert. Talkative or quiet. Risk taker or conservative.

Character, on the other hand, is developed over time, one decision at a time. Striving to be more honest, keeping our word to others, keeping our word to ourselves, defending those too weak or not present to defend themselves. Apologizing when we’ve wronged another, forgiving whether they’ve said sorry or not.

These traits, more than personality, determine how we sleep at night and the quality of our relationships. Living within a solid value system that we’ve decided for ourselves is freeing. It’s the often unspoken qualities our children learn by example, or the values we teach them through example and stories.

Virtues Benjamin Franklin Listed

Cue Benjamin Franklin. He identified 12 virtues he wanted to develop to be a better man. Number 13 was added when, after he was showing off his new list, his friend said, “Maybe add ‘humility’?” So here is a list according to Mr. Franklin that a person could develop to enhance their own strength of character.

• Temperance.
• Silence.
• Order.
• Resolution.
• Frugality.
• Industry.
• Sincerity.
• Justice.
• Moderation.
• Cleanliness.
• Tranquillity.
• Chastity.
• Humility.

The Yellow Brick Road

Dorothy’s quest to find home included a symbolic quest to find qualities: a heart (the Tin Man), a brain (the Scare Crow), and courage (the Lion). The heart could represent character traits such as compassion, fairness, gratitude, authenticity and forgiveness. The brain could represent clear thinking, continual learning, reliability, solid work ethic, and speaking truth. Courage could represent the courage of standing up for ourselves or others, doing what’s right when it’s not easy or embarrassing, admitting when we’ve made a mistake.

Respect. Respect for ourselves and others, regardless of race, beliefs, or political affiliation will go a long way to creating peace and tolerance. We don’t have to change our opinions. We can stand for what we believe. But it can be accomplished by not insulting others or hurling character assassinations. People make their choices and we don’t have to agree. We can remain silent or express our opinions. Both are in line with good character. It’s how we conduct ourselves that counts, respecting that they’re in their lane and we’re in ours. This has been a harder one for me. I’ve watched close friends make poor decisions, in my opinion. But at the end of the day, I know they are learning, doing their best according to where they’re at in their journey, and I just love them. I always love them.

Kindness to Ourselves and Others

As we are kind and patient with ourselves and our own shortcomings, it’s easier to be kind and patient with others. Developing good character is a lifelong process. The goal is to be a little better each day, year over year. We never want to find ourselves in place where we’ve given up on life and say, “Well, that’s just who I am,” or “I don’t care.”

We are actually amazing creatures with the gift of choice, agency and the ability to change our trajectory at any moment in time. Changing the course of our life can be as simple as changing our mind. We can create a new habit or give up a habit, attitude or action that brings chaos or turmoil into our life. When we’re still, when we’re quiet with ourselves, peace should reign. It’s not so much a chase for pleasure and “happy,” as much as a quest for peace and happiness. A life we’re proud of.

The Challenge

Make a list of your strongest character suits. Relish in that list. Be grateful for who you’ve already become. Now make a list of one to three qualities you’d like to improve. Mine is patience and temperance. I can be quick to get annoyed or speak in a tone that is too matter of fact, and not with enough love and appreciation. Our therapist taught my husband and I about a “love sandwich” to use with our [sometimes petulant] teenage daughters. Something nice, the request, something nice again. I call it a “stupid sandwich” because it seems super inefficient (Efficiency: my good and bad trait).

But I think the key to change is immediate action. So that very day one of the twins slammed her door for the 100th time. I went up to her room and knocked on the door. She opened it and stood looking at me. I said, “Hallie, I love you. If you slam the door again, you’re losing your door for a month. I love you.” Her mouth opened ever so slightly and she just stared at me. I walked away feeling weird and awkward. Oddly, it’s been more than two months since that interaction, and I have not heard her door slam even once. So, whether it was the effect of an awkward “love sandwich” or not, I feel better about myself. I didn’t holler and have to walk away feeling like a bad mom. I was one step closer to achieving temperance. Yay, me.

So, what’s going to be your “Yay, me!” moment?

xo, tricia