Ever been in a penny pinching mode? We all have. And it’s usually temporary and fine, until it’s not. Until that day when everyone is staring at you, wondering why you won’t break down and just go to dinner already.

This was us at my husband’s family reunion this past week. It was an awesome week, a beautiful, huge cabin along the River, an hour out of Yellowstone and an hour and a half from Jackson Hole. There were five siblings and 23 grandchildren, give or take. (We’re not sure we got them all.)

There was that moment though, after everyone was done river rafting, that everyone wanted to go out to eat with a million mouths to feed. We have four of our own growing girls who eat a lot and have expensive taste. I couldn’t decide what was more awkward, telling them we’d eat when we got back to the cabin (with a quick McDonalds McFlurry to tide them over, their request), or trying to limit them to certain items on the menu or meal sharing with swarms of cousins and everyone yelling out their food preferences. We opted to drive our family back to the cabin, with one extra cousin in tow.

When Others Spend Freely

Our brother in law is an orthopedic surgeon. They have no problem spending generously on food for their seven kids (yes, 7), and for great experiences. My husband’s brother is a partner at a CPA firm, and they’re talking about buying a cabin. My husband and I left our jobs in California and have seen a substantial drop in our incomes since relocating to Idaho. It’s a temporary move, but it just might do me in. I haven’t had to watch our budget as closely as I do right now.

And I usually don’t mind. This was the first time I felt a bit of shame for saying “no.” My sister in law asked if she could treat. That was another hard pass. I’m trying to teach my step daughters that someone isn’t always there to pay when it’s not in the budget. When we can’t afford to take a family of six to dinner in Jackson Hole (that has mistaken itself for Hollywood). They’re a bit on the spoiled side, so I’ll endure some fits and tears from the 15 year old and not let an aunt or grandma bail her out.

It’s Hard for Husbands

Many men pride themselves on providing for their families and treating their children. My husband is no different. But thankfully, he respects the fact that we have a long plan, and staying on track sometimes means foregoing short term pleasures.

I remind him that it’s not just income that matters, it’s how much we keep and how much we put aside for the future. It’s about having the emergency account funded and not dipping into it for non essentials.

It is a luxury to have a generous income, to put away for the future, invest in experiences and have nice things. My experience tells me, however, that spending habits don’t always correlate to wealth. There are thousands of high-living-turned-pauper-with-the-change-of-tide type stories. There are plenty of hair extensions and fake nails that haven’t put a dime into their child’s education fund.

There’s a place for all the fun spending, just make sure it’s done in the right priority. For example, providing food, clothing, shelter, proper insurance, eliminating debt, having 3-6 month emergency fund, saving for retirment, kids’ college, and then spend like your hair’s on fire.

Good Stewards of Money

This is my theory, but I believe that the wiser we are with our income, the more abundance we’ll be blessed with. And nothing about this is miserly. We make it a priority in our home to pay a full tithe, and to give to other charities. My motto since college has been, when I have, I give.

Right now we don’t have as much as we’re used to, but the tide will turn as we keep honing in on our opportunities and working hard. I’m glad to be in this position, because as I write and teach about money, it reminds me that it doesn’t take much for a person to find themselves in crises. And I always want to remain empathetic to those feelings of fear, loss and hopelessness.

So, onward and upward. Let them look at you weird. “No” is a complete sentence if you want to hop off the spending train.

xo, tricia